So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize