Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
