she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
