I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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