i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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