soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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