I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
