You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
