i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
