I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize