Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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