I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
