I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
