You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
