Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
