I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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