my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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