Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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