ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Help. Why am I so naked?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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