I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
