I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Life without a bra equals bliss.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
