I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
