Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
