The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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