I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
