I cut my penus on the lid.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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