is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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