I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize