you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
