Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize