I heard we made out
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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