meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
