I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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