my phone needs a breathalizer
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
