I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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