hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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