I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
