Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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