The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
