i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
