Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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