I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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