Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
