i think my tv is drunk
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
