I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
