I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
