If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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