i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I look better un-naked...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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