Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
