and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize