my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
