i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
