I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
