I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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