Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
