i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
