Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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