Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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