FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
