I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
