I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
